Is there Intelligent Life in the White House?

While astronomers and scientists probe the distant planet of Mars with robots to determine whether there is intelligent life on Mars, America and the rest of world wants to know something else:

Is there Intelligent Life in the White House?

The scientific reasoning of determining whether a planet has intelligent life is complex:

  • #1. Send radio signals to the planet to see if there is a response.
  • #2. Send robots and satellites into space to take detailed photos of the planet to check for visual signs of life.
  • #3. Question the existence of plant life which could serve as nutrition for herbivores.
  • #3.a. If there is plant life, is the plant life itself intelligent?
  • #3.b. Is there alien lifeforms which eat the plants?
  • #3.c. If there is no plant life, could life forms exist by eating something else?
  • etc
  • etc

    A lot of the questions about life or intelligent life really come down to the question of whether an animal or creature can communicate.

    We know that on earth there are certain species that are smarter than others. Most notably apes, monkeys, chimps, cats, dogs, pigs, elephants, whales and dolphins. These species set themselves apart from most other animals because they do actually communicate through sounds.

    To our knowledge humans have the most advanced form of communication on the planet.

    But not all humans are "intelligent".

    Smarts. Genius. The ability to reason and think. Whatever you want to call it, the ability of some humans to make deductions creates an uneven playing ground for intelligent life. Some people are simply smarter than others due to a combination of factors such as genetics, education and and natural selection. Some of us have evolved to become more intelligent. Some of us have had great educations which has brought forth intelligence. Natural selection is more of a "common sense" philosophy, except that common sense really isn't that common. Common sense is just a logical reasoning that has been gained through practical experience and circumstance, instead of through educational means. Einstein was a genius. Newton was a genius. Francis Bacon was a genius. Leonardo de Vinci was a genius.

    Homer Simpson is not. Sadly, there is more Homers than there is Einsteins.

    If we were to find life on another planet, it is far more likely that it will be LESS advanced than they are. These alien lifeforms will be more like "cavemen" in their level of intelligence, or possibly even a low animal intelligence. (We will ignore debates about the intelligence of dolphins/dogs/etc for another time.)

    So what is the level of a caveman's intelligence?

    Well, he or she can make fire.

    He or she can make basic clothes, draw cave pictures, make basic tools, make crude weapons for hunting and killing.

    And he or she can communicate on a basic level using a basic and rudimentary language. The word water is the same word as rain, the same word for river, ocean, puddle and maybe even blood.

    When confronted with danger a caveman's first reactions will be: a. Run away quickly. b. Kill the threat.

    The idea of a third possibility: "c. Negotiate peacefully" is something cavemen rarely did. It really was a "walk around with a big stick foreign policy".

    And thats EXACTLY what George W. Bush's foreign policy is!

    Walk around with a big stick and threaten other countries.

    Occasionally beat up one or two countries and steal anything valuable they have.

    Like oil.

    "Grunt grunt. Me Bush! Bush smash!"

    It really is a bit like the Incredible Hulk talking about diplomacy:

    "Mmm... arabs... me no like arabs... Bush smash!"

    Tarzan at least communicated with the other animals. "Me Bush, you Jane."

    No, sorry, Bush isn't a stud like Tarzan. Tarzan would have talked to the lion and convinced the lion not to eat the other animals and then kissed Jane and lived happily ever after. Bush would have hit the lion with a big club. And the lion would have ate Bush. And then poor Jane would have ran away and married some British guy instead.

    Bush is impotent AND incompetent. He still hasn't found Osama bin Laden. He keeps missing for some reason... He just doesn't understand the concept of using "secret agents" to do the job. Instead he sends in the army and blows up everything.

    Its a bit like watching the Incredible Hulk play "smack the mole" with a giant hammer.

    "Oh! There he is! He's in Afghanistan! Bush smash!"

    and a moment later he doesn't know what to do, so he sees a different target:

    "Mmm... Saddam Hussein! You have oil! Bush smash!"

    Meanwhile totally ignoring the economy and domestic issues while he swings around wildly with the hammer, killing civilians, British and Canadian soldiers by accident, and all the while missing again and again. After 3 years he should have got him by now.

    And now its election year. Time to see which caveman will be chief of the tribe for next four years. This is a time when Bush will try to convince other people that he is good person to lead the tribe...

    And now for SURVIVOR: The White House! (Season 8)

    "I'm sorry Mr Bush, you've been voted out of the White House. Please pick up your torch and leave quietly."

    So yes, the caveman inside the White House does know how to communicate (barely), but his record of using diplomacy (talking) is rather poor:

    Lets look at his record of using understanding, reason and the concepts of diplomacy:

  • Number of Diplomatic Victories: 0
  • Number of Wars: 2

    And so on our checklist for intelligent life, Bush is pretty low on communication skills. He ranks just above cavemen in terms of vocabulary because he sometimes makes up new words when he says things like: "They misunderestimated me."

    "Mis" and "Under" are both negatives.

    Misunderestimated therefore is a double negative which roughly means he said: "They were correct about me."

    Awww, isn't that nice? Bush just admitted that the people were correct when they called him stupid.

    But why is George W. Bush so stupid?

  • Is it genetics? His parents weren't that smart either.
  • Is it education? His parents bought his education at Yale where he majored in business and cocaine.
  • Is it all the cocaine he snorted while skipping classes in university?
  • Has been around too much oil that he breathed in too much gasoline fumes that it rotted his brain?
  • Is it a coincidence that he looks like a monkey? He does look very simian.
  • Is it the horse in Texas that kicked him in the head when he was younger? (True story.)
  • Is he partially brain dead from that incident where he nearly choked on a pretzel? (True story.)
  • Or is it a combination of all the above?

    Back during the Vietnam War, Bush dodged the draft by joining the Texas Air Guard. He had to do a test to get in. On the test he got 42 out of 100, which was 2 points above being considered "too dumb to fly". There were thousands of other people with better marks on the test. His father made a phone call however and he got into the air guard anyway.

    If we could see one of Bush's report cards from a 5th grade teacher it would probably say something like this: "George W. has problems communicating with other children. He often gets into fights and beats up smaller children. He also has problems with math and understanding taxes. His spelling is bad and he doesn't read much. I think he should stop hanging around with Tony Blair. Your son is a bad influence on little Tony."

    Its a bit like we elected Homer Simpson, except we didn't really elect him because it was rigged. 42,000 African Americans in Florida who had their votes disqualified & ignored will confirm that. Lastly, if we find intelligent life somewhere, lets hope it is smarter than cavemen like George W. Bush.


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